


How To Prevent Your Pretty Divine Parents Of Making More Siblings

by SatanicMe



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Crack, Cut Short, Drugs, F/M, The goddess is horny as hell, There was no book about parenting existing yet, WTF, amenadiel loves his mom, god is BAMF, god made the first rules, mentioned child abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 17:50:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20393722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SatanicMe/pseuds/SatanicMe
Summary: Aka:A crackfic about God, Amenadiel, Goddess and a little tiny baby called Samael and some stuff my brain came up with.Prepare.It’s crack of the worst kind. Horrible. Awful.





	1. Is he sleeping???? (O.ô) (._.)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Mortal For A Week](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18860827) by [Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer/pseuds/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer). 

> All started with one tired brain being very imaginative at odd hours reacting to a chain of comments.

God: ***eyeing Samael cautiously*** i think he is asleep

Goddess: Finally. I am starving from the lack of attention I’ve got. You know, if he keeps crying every time we try to have some fun, I’ll toss him down from heaven! Maybe that will shut him up!!!

God: ***think she is just overdramatic*** Stop complaining or he will wake up. ***comes closer***

Goddess: Alright. I hope you haven’t come out of practice yet since we have not exercised in a long time ***leans in***

God: ***purrs as he is about to kiss his wife***

Baby Samael: ***cries ear piercingly loud and wails, as if he was dying right now***

Goddess: I WILL THROW HIM OUT!!!

God: ***sighs*** well, he definitely inherited your overdramatic behaviour, my dear.

Goddess: ***seriously considers eviscerating her son, but as soon she sees his puppy eyes she calms down*** another night maybe.


	2. I tried everything!!!! (>.<)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yelp. Big bro is needed.

> _ **Another time at “How to prevent your parents from procreational behaviour and other fun”** _

God: Son. I have got a very important task for you.

Amenadiel: ***stunned*** Father, I will do everything you ask me to do.

God: Good, good. ***gives him a moving blanket***

Amenadiel: Uhm, father? Is this thing supposed to move?

God: Amen, meet Sammy. Sammy, meet Amen. So since you’re his big brother I entrust you with the task of keeping an eye on your brother for a while. Make sure he doesn’t cry.

Amenadiel: What shall I do, if he cries?

God: haven’t i taught you ‘_how to baby 101_’?”

Amenadiel: No, I can’t remember any lesson named like this.

God: Just... fed him, cheek for poop and change if that happens and soothe him if the other things have been done, but he keeps crying.

Amenadiel: Alr-

God: ***shuts the door***

Amenadiel: -ight... hello little brother. I am amenadiel and-

Samael: ***begins wailing on the top of his lungs***

Amenadiel: ***tries everything his father told him, but sammy keeps getting louder*** shit! ***gets anxious***

Sammy: ***wails like heaven is on fire***

Amenadiel: Can you get any louder? I can’t hear you! ***sarcastically***

Sammy: ***wails louder***

Goddess: ***in the background*** I TOLD YOU THE LAST TIME!!! LET ME GO AND THROW HIM ONTO YOUR DIRTY PILE OF SHIT!!!! I CANNOT STAND HIS AWFUL CRYING ANYMORE!!! DON’T YOU DA-

God: ***locks his wife into his bedroom and comes running to Samael*** you know, little star, if you keep frustrating your mother like this, she will maybe not read you a fairytale someday when you go to sleep ***takes the baby***

Amenadiel: Father, I tried everything-

God: Yes, I know. Your brother has got a habit of being overdramatic. Just like your mother. He’ll be quite a handful, when he gets older.


	3. Why are you doubting me??? (`0´)/

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mommy needs a solution.

Goddess: ***preparing a bottle with milk*** maybe you will sleep this time ***puts alcohol and sleep inducing drugs in it***

Sammy: ***makes cute baby noises and is oblivious to his surroundings***

Goddess: ***picks up Sammy*** be a nice little boy and drink up your dinner ***feeds him with the funfun milk***

Sammy: ***drinks all of it and when the bottle is empty he starts crying quietly a little bit***

Goddess: Oh come on! Ive put enough in it to put you asleep for five hours straight! ***sights and prepares another bottle which has an higher amount of alcohol in it***

Sammy: ***giggles***

Goddess: I hope, this will make you shut up! ***feeds him***

Sammy: ***drinks it very happily***

Goddess: Happy?!

***some time passed and sammy passed out, snoring loudly, while god and goddess make out***

God: ***stops while he’s kissing his wife*** what did you do to him?

Goddess: Nothing.

God: Really?

Goddess: Why are you doubting me! I would never do something to our sweet little star!!!

Sammy: ***wakes up wailing and throws up***

Goddess: aw come on. Seriously?!


	4. hELpP!!! i ThINk i BrOke sAmMY!!!!!    /(•,0)/

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We all need nutrients and healthy salad.

Goddess: Hey little star. I’ve got a new toy for you since you hurt with your teeth growing in...

Sammy: ***looks expectantly at her***

Goddess: here are some healthy green leaves for you. You only have to put them in your mouth and all the pain will go away like magic!

Sammy: ***tries to grab the leaves***

Goddess: What a smart boy you are. Come on, i will help you.

——later

Sammy: ***keeps cackling like a maniac***

Amenadiel: Father, mother! Please help me!!!! ***runs around in circles panically***

Sammy: ***his giggles sound with every passing second more like he’s about to murder his big brother in a very very very painful way before starting a fire and burn down heaven, while he tries to swallow his whole arm laughing madly***

Amenadiel: hELpP!!! i ThINk i BrOke sAmMY!!!!!!!!!!!!’

God: ***has traces of lipstick all over his face and only wears his pants*** what the fu-

Goddess: NOT EVEN MARIJUANA KEEPS HIM FROM INTERRUPTING MY SEX TIME!!!


	5. Ma...ma...mama! (*.*)

God: Wife. We have to talk.

Goddess: Ok. Let’s talk. Nice talk. I agree. Lets throw Samael out so we can have more sexy cuddle time. ***proceeds to grab samael and aims already for the window***

God: NOOO!!!! ***immediately snatches his son from her hands*** YOU CANNOT THROW OUT OUR LITTLE BABY!!!!

Goddess: I absolutely can and will. If you don’t manage to control him, I will do it. I swear on it.

God: Well, if you are sure, then maybe a divorce would not be a bad idea SINCE YOU DRUGGED OUR BOY SEVERAL TIMES!!!!

Goddess: Why are you complaining? Amenadiel turned out just fine and still enjoys consuming hashish.

God: What is wrong with you???????

Goddess: Why do you have to make so many annoying and constricting rules??????

Sammy: ***wakes up slowly and mumbles some baby stuff***

God: I make the rules to prevent stuff like my boys getting drugged during infancy from happening!!!! You know that it can hurt them in the long run!!!

Goddess: As if. You made them pretty durable. Its not like a little bit healthy green salad and a short dive would kill them!!!!

Sammy: Ma... ma.. maaaamaaaaa... MaMa! Mamamamama! Mama!

God and Goddess: ***silent***

Goddess: I will stop drugging him _(for now)_

God: ***eyes her sceptically*** Why don’t i feel like i should trust you?

Goddess: Our boy just said his first word! Be happy! He said he wants his mama!

Sammy: Mama

> ***_in the meanwhile_***

Amenadiel: ***sits in the library and holds a joint between his fingers*** ahhhhhhhh....


	6. If I catch you again… (-.-)_/’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Come on. It’s time to stretch your wings.

Goddess: ***watches her son crawling on the ground*** you know i have been thinking about thousand different ways how i can get rid of you, boy.

Sammy: mamaaa

Goddess: Since you arrived all you do is stop having me some needed alone time with your father!

Sammy: ***eyes her confused, trying to understand what his mother is rambling about*** Mamaa?

Goddess: I mean, it is all about you now! Every single time I think you are asleep you start wailing again. And drugs don’t even work on you! They just make you worse!

Sammy: Mil! mil! Mama! ‘Ungry!!!

Goddess: no sammy. You already had your milk and your father forbid me from giving you any alcohol. ***sighs*** why did i not kill you yet, little devil?

Sammy: ***giggles at the nickname***

Goddess: Hm? You like being called devil.

Sammy: ***nods and claps with his hands***

Goddess: ***picks him out and goes to the window*** well, my little devil, i think its time for you to learn flying!

——

> ** _In the meanwhile in god’s office_ **

God: amen. If i catch you again...

amenadiel: but mom said it was ok!!!!

God: ***seriously is questioning his life choices***

Amenandiel: ***suddenly distracted*** ...is that... squealing????

God: ***sees sammy falling as he watches out of the window*** WHAT THE FU-


End file.
